Forbidden Dreams
by ebacusta
Summary: One day after a Test Run in Forbidden while heading back to his room, Shani runs into a girl to whom he feels oddly drawn. Angst only because I'm not quite sure where to put it. OOC
1. Her Kindness

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 1

**Her Kindness**

_**I don't quite remember who she was. All I know was that it was girl, with a soft skin and voice that resonated with true emotion. I'm not quite sure how she got there, where I was. I don't remember ever meeting someone like her on the ship. When I think about it, often despite myself, I'm glad she was there when she was. That she listened to what I had to say, I don't know how I could have kept hold of my humanity if she hadn't… Humans need someone to listen and sympathize with them… but I had no one, until she came along. And I have to admit… that I am strangely…grateful.**_

I stumbled through the hall, fighting the urge to sink to the ground in my pain. I leaned heavily against the wall, my fingers clutching at it but not being able to pass through and therefore pressing desperately on to it. With each step I took, a noise so loud that it sounded like being next to a freight train with no covering rang through my head and every other part of my body felt like it was being stabbed multiple times. My vision was getting ever more blurry. But convincing myself I had to be close, I pushed forward.

I guess I wasn't quite as close as I thought, or maybe I didn't have the will to go any farther because I finally gave into the urge to fall to the ground and just lay there praying to God the pain would fade. But then again, I guess it is too late to be praying to him after all the people I've killed. But I never made impact with the ground like I expected too. Instead, I fell heavily into someone. A girl. I could tell from her chest, and the softness of her skin as she held on to my arms. Even still, though, I could not make out her identifying marks other than the color of her hair, and even then I wasn't quite sure. Blue I think. A soft sky blue, but blue nonetheless. Her voice was soft and filled with concern when she spoke.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" she asked, regarding my incessant shaking and twitching. Involuntarily I clutched at her clothes, desperate for anything to pass my pain on. She flinched as I grabbed her arm instead and squeezed but said, "Are you heading to your room? Do you need some help?"

I wanted to tell her no. But nothing came out and she pried my fingers off her arm and swung it around her shoulders so that she was supporting my weight as she dragged me down the hall. I kept telling myself that now was the perfect chance to choke her so she'd release me and I could make my escape, but for some reason, the kind nature I sensed from her prevented me from doing it.

"You're one of them aren't you?" she asked as we went through a doorway. "One of his experiments." I wanted to strangle her for calling me "one of his experiments." But I couldn't bring myself to even pry my fingers from her clothing as we sank to the ground together. She leaned against a wall letting me dig my fingers into her skin.

"Why…?" I gasped as I struggle to knock myself out somehow, so I could escape from the pain.

She was silent a minute. "You're right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't call you that. It was rude of me. And you experience enough pain as it is." Her voice resonating with sadness and remorse. "What's it like?" she added softly. What did she think it was like? Watching me suffer in front her.

"Hell."

"How rough. He doesn't treat you right. Why would you ever agree to work for him? He's a terrible man, self-centered and all. Just look at what he puts you through for his own selfish reasons. Why do you choose to put yourself through this pain so constantly?"

"I don't… have a choice… He is the one who holds my release from the symptoms," I said. What did she think I'd stay if I had it my way?

"Why don't you? I've heard some say it was your background, and he rescued you from something… What was your childhood like?"

Immediately I thought back to the facility. Where I had trained, and fought fellow children such as myself. Why did she want to know?

"Alone… hostile," I found myself saying. "Filled with constant competition and the need to rise above the rest to survive." What was I doing? I didn't even know her, and yet I was telling her things I'd never told anyone before. Why did I feel so connected to her?

"How awful," she whispered truly meaning it.

And then it all came out. "I was born as one of the Earth Alliance's child soldiers. Produced in a tube, my only purpose was to train and become a good soldier with skills comparable to those of a Coordinator. I was to be able to pilot Mobile Suits and cause mass-death to the Coordinators, but at the same time be expendable, so if I was to die it would be of no real loss to the military."

"Child soldier… you can't be serious," she gasped. And then I was crying. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe partially because of the pain I was enduring but partially because of the pain I'd already endured. Since when did I show that kind of emotion?

"The Earth Alliance though, tossed Orga, Kuroto, and I onto death row, because one day we became overly hostile and began attacking the Doctors as well. We killed a few of them, and the Earth Alliance deemed us to homicidal to be safe," I whispered. "I didn't want to die. Can you really blame me though? For doing what I did. Killing the doctors that cursed me to such a terrible fate. Do you know what it's like being doomed to die before you're even born? Even really given a chance at life?" She remained silent, but her hand drifted to my forehead and began stroking the hair out of my eyes, wiping the tears off my face as they mixed with my sweat. I continued, "And then **he** came along."

"Azrael?" she asked.

"Yes, and he said that we would be free from death row, if we agreed to assist him with some research," I said. I was silent for a while as the tears fell. Finally I said, "It hurts so much. I try to remind myself that life is better than death and therefore this pain is better than death. But really I'm already dead. I never got a chance to live in the first place."

The room was silent as I tried to stop being so emotional. My body still shaking from the withdrawal I was feeling that know seemed far away. Finally, a whisper met my ears. "I'm sorry…" I shifted to look at her though I couldn't see much. The only thing that alerted me to her tears was when a few of them dropped onto my face. "You've been through so much… and you didn't deserve to be."

"What are you talking about?"

"You are a kind person at heart. At least I'm sure you would be if the only thing you had been taught from your birth hadn't been the way to kill. For someone like you… no… for _anyone_ to have to go through what you've been through isn't right? How can someone like me even begin to empathize with you? Nothing I could imagine could compare to the pain you've been through, and… it's just not right. I want to protect you. I wish I had the strength to."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused. My tears drying up.

"Someone as young as you should be looking ahead at the dreams he's going to accomplish as he grows up. Not waking up each day, knowing that your only mission is to fight to the death and if you survive until tomorrow your mission for the day is complete. That's not right. I want you to be able to have dreams. And I want to be able to protect them. The three of you deserve at least that much."

"Yeah? But what would be the point. Because in my case, they would all be forbidden dreams. _My_ forbidden dreams."

o-o-o-o-o

So what do you think? Do you think I should do another chapter? And if so, do you want a romance to sprout? I was going to leave it at this, but if you guys want it, another chapter certainly is swingable. So please tell me what you think. Leave a review.


	2. Her Pain

Friday, July 01, 2005

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 2

**Her Pain

* * *

**

"What are you talking about?"

"You are a kind person at heart. At least I'm sure you would be if the only thing you had been taught from your birth hadn't been the way to kill. For someone like you… no… for _anyone_ to have to go through what you've been through isn't right? How can someone like me even begin to empathize with you? Nothing I could imagine could compare to the pain you've been through, and… it's just not right. I want to protect you. I wish I had the strength to."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused. My tears drying up.

"Someone as young as you should be looking ahead at the dreams he's going to accomplish when's he's older. Not waking up each day, knowing that your only mission is to fight to the death. It's not right. I want you to have dreams. And I want to protect them. You deserve that much from at least one person."

"Yeah? But what would be the point. Because in my case, they would all be forbidden dreams. _My_ forbidden dreams."

* * *

_**It's strange… when the symptoms cleared I found myself looking for her. For what reason, I'm not quite sure… but I felt desperate for her touch, or her voice… Comfort I guess is what I was after, but I couldn't be quite sure myself. And then again, after returning from another Test Run, she was there again. Sweaty and tired… panting… but there… And when I heard her voice… I thought my heart would grow wings and fly…**_

"Are you okay?" she asked running towards me. What did I look like? I was shivering uncontrollably, clenching my fists together as I leaned against the wall. She didn't need a response. "How awful…" she said quietly. She reached out and touched my forehead. I could tell she was going to start asking me questions I didn't want to hear, and since I was in no mood to talk, I croaked out, "…You?"

"Me?"

"Childhood…"

"What was my childhood like?" she asked. I nodded, some what. "Hard. My parents, well, they never really…" She sounded like she was tearing up.

"I'm sorry…" she gasped a minute later in which she banged her head against the wall. "I'm such a wuss. Crying and compared to yours my life has been a piece of cake…" For some reason, unbeknownst to myself, I found myself reaching out and stopping her. Her head tilted in my hand. And then, she let out a loud sob and threw herself into me. What the hell?

"My parents never really loved me…" she gasped. "I always knew it, and they made sure I knew. They hated me with every fiber in their bodies. I was always so alone. When I was seven, they finally couldn't take it anymore and they abandoned me. We went on a trip, and I had to use… the bathroom…" a loud cry echoed through the room, "and when I came out… they were gone!" She cried for a bit. Her fingers dragging down my chest as her shoulders shook. My own fingers clutched at the bed sheets beneath me, begging for some kind of release.

"I wondered around on my own a bit. Walked alone for months and months. I starved most of the time, occasionally, I'd beg and someone would give me food and shelter for a night or two. But finally, a pack of war orphans took me in with them. And I stole to survive… But occasionally… I saw them… again… My parents… the last thing my mother ever said to me was, 'Why haven't you **died** yet?' And then my father slapped me." She slid off my chest and laid over my legs as she cried into the bed sheet. I looked at her.

"Why didn't you stay with your other relatives?"

"Hated… by all of them… except my oldest cousin. He took me in for a while when he saw me stealing from a cart. Caught me, dragged me home, wore me out. And then, he and his wife treated me like their own kid. They already had two… And they were all killed… Blown up in the night, during an attack. And then I was on my own again," she gasped. She dragged herself over my legs and rolled off the bed onto the floor. Which I thought was pretty pathetic behavior, but I felt the least I could do, after she'd listen to me, was listen to her, or at least _pretend_ too. "I was always an unwanted child. Last I heard, mom and dad had another kid seven years ago, and they're all happy. I'm nothing but a mere unwanted memory."

"Uh, that must have been… rough?" I offered.

"I've never had anyone," she said getting on her knees so she could see me better. "I've never been loved by anyone before. Nobody cared about me. I could die and no one would notice! I deserve to be in that mobile suit more than you. I have nothing. You, at least, would have something. You're obviously well educated even if you were a child soldier. I never had that opportunity."

"Hmmm… sorry?" God, I wasn't helping. I couldn't be.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Shani," I replied.

"Shani… tell me something… truthfully… have you ever wanted someone to love you?"

"No, I never really think about that stuff," I shrugged.

"You don't ever feel alone?" she asked.

"I guess… I don't dwell on this kind of thing." I had a feeling I was messing up bad.

She reached out, her hands touching my face. "Shani, will you be my friend?"

"Friend? What for?"

"I don't have any. My only other friends were the war orphans I ran around with… and… they were either all adopted… or killed. So please? I'll be yours. I really want you to be my friend."

"I guess." What could I say? When she sounded so sad and desperate… something I always felt inside. I suddenly had a feeling that it was her dreams, however forbidden they might be, I wanted to protect.

The door slid open. "Who the hell are you?" a familiar voice asked. Kuroto, and Orga, obviously about to go through withdrawal.

"I'm… I'm… sorry!" she exclaimed yanking her hands from my face. "I, um, got lost. Didn't put my contacts in this morning. Can't see. I… I thought he was my friend." She sounded kind of sad when she said the last part.

"You know who that is right?" Orga asked.

"Um… Greg?" she offered.

"Shani Andras, Forbidden's pilot," he replied.

"Oh," she said standing. I could hear her backing away from my bed. "I… didn't know. I'm sorry… I, uh… guess I'm lost?" She laughed a small silent laugh, coated with disappointment and sadness. "I'll go." She headed towards the door.

Kuroto called after her, "Don't come back… bitch." With the sudden increase in her footsteps I knew she was running, the door sliding shut behind her, tears probably falling before she'd even left the room. I felt my anger building. Kuroto… _and_ Orga… and with yells of pain, they both sank into their withdrawals, and I hid a smile. That pain would not be half the pain I wanted them to feel.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

What did you think? Stupid? Weird? Interesting? If you want a romance, I can work that out. So, I hope you liked that chapter, and I hope you'll leave me a review!

ebacusta


	3. Her Body

Sunday, July 3, 2005

If you'll notice, I've kicked the rating up for violence, slight implication, and of course, there's the language. But, it really won't be that bad. This is just to be safe. Anyway enjoy.

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 3

**Her Body

* * *

**

The door slid open. "Who the hell are you?" a familiar voice asked. Kuroto, and Orga, obviously about to go through withdrawal.

"I'm… I'm… sorry!" she exclaimed yanking her hands from my face. "I, um, got lost. Didn't put my contacts in this morning. Can't see. I… I thought he was my friend." She sounded kind of sad when she said the last part.

"You know who that is right?" Orga asked.

"Um… Greg?" she offered.

"Shani Andras, Forbidden's pilot," he replied.

"Oh," she said standing. I could hear her backing away from my bed. "I… didn't know. I'm sorry… I, uh… guess I'm lost?" She laughed a small silent laugh, coated with disappointment and sadness. "I'll go." She headed towards the door.

Kuroto called after her, "Don't come back… bitch." With the sudden increase in her footsteps I knew she was running, the door sliding shut behind her, tears probably falling before she'd even left the room. I felt my anger building. Kuroto… _and_ Orga… and with yells of pain, they both sank into their withdrawals, and I hid a smile. That pain would not be half the pain I wanted them to feel.

* * *

_**I didn't see her for a while after that. She seemed to have just disappeared. I had no idea what her job was on the ship, so I didn't even know where to begin looking. And I couldn't ask anybody about her because a) I didn't know her name and b) how would I keep up my aloof appearance if people figured out I was looking for some nameless girl? Even still, I wanted to see her again, to apologize, if my pride would allow it. And then after another Test Run, I ran into her. It's strange how I always find her, when I can't see who she is…**_

"Oof! I'm sorry." The voice sounded familiar. I looked up and saw the flash of blue hair.

"You," I gasped. I didn't know her name, so what was I suppose to say?

"O-Oh, Shani," she said, "well if you'll excuse me, I've got to go." She turned to leave. Before I could stop myself, I reached out and grabbed her arms. I pushed her up against the wall so she couldn't escape. As much as withdrawal was hurting me, knowing that she was probably walking around with hurt feelings hurt even more.

"Listen," I said, best to get this out as fast as possible, "I'm sorry about my roommates. They were just about to go through withdrawal. Please disregard their comments." With all of it out, I sighed, glad that at least, if I happened to regret it, I'd be able to beat myself up about it later, as opposed to beating myself up about her feelings now.

"Disregard?" she finally spoke. "How can I disregard what they said? They made it pretty clear that I'm not wanted there."

"Don't listen to either of them. Both of them are stupid, always caught up in themselves," I said trying to sound assuring. I wasn't quite sure why I was trying so hard to get her to come and talk to me again.

"Shani, that's easier said then done. How do I even know that you want me there? That you even are my friend? What if you just said it to get me to go away!" she exclaimed.

"I," I began.

She interrupted me, "Listen Shani. I'm used to disappointment, so don't worry about me. But please, just tell me the truth. I hate it when people lie to me! And I can tell when I'm not wanted. So just forget about it!" With that she pushed me away and ran off down the hall. I cursed as I stumbled towards my room, to exhausted to chase after her like I strangely wanted to.

_**The next time I saw her, was in a place I didn't expect it. A few days later, I was in Forbidden making some adjustments to the OS. I had decided to call someone over so I could tell them what I wanted down with the suit…**_

"You called?"

"Yeah, how are the adjustments with Forbidden coming?"

"Fine, it will be done by then end of the day."

"Good. I've noticed how Forbidden's shields can't reflect certain beams, I want you mechanics to start thinking of a way to fix that," I said without looking up.

There was an exasperated sigh and then a reply, "We're mechanics, not scientists. Have Azrael's minions figure it out for you."

"What did you say?" I asked looking up.

"I said…" the mechanic, who turned out to be a girl with sky blue hair, began turning her head to look at me. When she saw me, she trailed off. Immediately, she turned around to push away from the suit. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her back into the cockpit.

"Stop it," she said, "what are you doing?"

"I want you to listen to me," I said holding her tightly. I could tell she was about to scream, so I shut the cockpit doors. "You're trapped in here with me, until I decide to let you out."

She looked at me fearfully. "What are you gonna do to me?"

"I just want you to answer some questions," I said.

"Why should I?" she screamed. "You don't even want me to be your friend! What am I? Some kinda of toy to you? Well I'm not! I won't be! Let go of me, and let me out."

"Listen to me…"

"No! I don't listen to liars. Don't play with me," she said.

"Please, just listen to me," I said.

"Why? Why should I listen to you when your roommates don't want me around?" she asked. I picked her up and pressed her body against the cockpit door, forcing my own hips between her legs to keep her from kicking unwanted areas. She still struggle against my grip.

"What are you doing, you sicko, pervert?" she asked pushing her body against my own to try and get me away. "Release me."

"No."

"Why not?" she demanded curling her fingers and digging her nails into my skin.

"Because I need you!" I yelled. Her body went rigid. I watched her chest rise and fall.

"You… you what?" she finally gasped.

"I need you," I said.

"Me? But, why?"

"You're the first person, who's ever cared about my feelings. And as much as I hate it, I realize that I need you. I want to keep hold of my humanity! Somehow! But how am I supposed to do that? Orga and Kuroto are useless. They can't help me. But you… you can. And all I need you to do, is listen and eventually respond. Give me signs so that I know I'm still human. Please." Why did I just say all that? What is it about her that makes me do stupid things? Things that I wouldn't normally do.

She turned her head towards me. Even still I couldn't see her eyes, as she had long bangs that covered them. "Please," I begged. I reached out to push her bangs up, and she let me, until I was just about to see her eyes. She looked down.

"No, please don't." I let her hair drop, slightly hurt. Was she rejecting me? I suddenly became painfully aware of the position we were in. Where my hips were relative to her legs and she was wearing a dress.

"Are you…" I began.

"No," she said, "I want to. To listen to you. For as long as you will let me."

_**The days passed. She came by to see me frequently, or I made sure I was in Forbidden's cockpit whenever she came to work on it. I never found out why she had been wearing a dress that day instead of the mechanic's uniform, but I found that it really didn't matter. It felt so good to get some of the things I told her off my chest, and she was sympathetic. She listened to everything I said, and offered comfort in return. And I could feel my sanity slowly coming back to me. I began to feel more stable. Something I wanted… for as long as I can remember…**_

"There's a new drug that I want to try out," Azrael said, "my scientist's discovered it. But I don't want to try it out on those three just yet. I want to try it out on someone else first, to see the effects." I glared at the back of his head. I hated him with all my soul.

The man he was talking complied, "Yes sir. I'll get someone right away."

"Preferably someone_ expendable_. Bring them to observation room number 2," the blonde man whose hair was slightly long and whose bangs curved innocently around his face. His bright blue eyes scanned the room. He was dressed in a baby suit with white dress shoes on. His eyes landed on where Orga, Kuroto, and I sat doing our own thing. I listened warmly to the familiar beat of my music as it flowed into my ears.

"You three," he said, "come on, we're going to Observation Room 2." Reluctantly, I got up and followed. I had no desire to watch his stupid experiment on what ever poor lowly soul was captured. We entered the room and sat down in the front row. The glass I was looking though gave me a view of a room with a bed, several stuffed mannequins, and some other instruments. Even still it was fairly spacious. And then a voice crackled over the intercom talking specifically to Azrael, though I could hear what it said as well, "Azrael, we've acquired a test subject. We're bringing her into the room, though she's quite a fighter."

"That's fine. That just makes it more interesting," Azrael replied. "Turn off your appliances and pay attention. This could be you, soon." Scowling, I turned off my MP3 player and took the earbuds out of my ears. Staring ahead as the door slid open and they brought the "experiment" in. My heart stopped.

It was a girl with sky blue hair, wearing a dress. It was her. She fought against the soldiers that were dragging her. A doctor rushed in and picked up a syringe.

"Hold her still," the doctor said.

"We're trying," one of the soldiers said. My hands, involuntarily, clutched at the handles of my seat. My knuckles went white.

"Let go! Let go!" she exclaimed as she tried to pull away. One of the soldiers let go of her arm, letting the other one pick it up. The second soldier, went behind the one holding her and tilted her head, exposing her neck. He covered her mouth with his hand. The doctor came towards her. Realizing what was about to happen, she began to struggle harder.

"Mm-mm. Mm-mm!" she mumbled through the soldier's hand as she shook her head, looking at the syringe with fear. "Mm-mm!" Flailing her arms, she tried to keep the Doctor away, but he reached out and inserted the needle. Pushing the drug into her body, he removed the needle.

"Quickly, leave the room," he instructed. The soldiers let her go and the three of them all rushed out of the room, closing the door behind her. The girl stood there for a moment, looking dazed. The Doctor and the two soldiers entered the observation room and looked at her. Suddenly her body twitched into action.

Letting out low animal moans, she lunged across the room and attacked the closest mannequin to her, bringing it down to the floor with her. Growling in a maniacal sort of way, she sunk her nails into the soft skin and began ripping the limbs from their sockets. She leaned down and sank her teeth into it, ripping the fabric as she pulled away, the stuffing spilling out.

Letting out another low anime growl, she attacked the next one, repeatedly stabbing it with an imaginary knife before cutting it into small pieces, though really, she ripped it apart too. She went on to the next one, and then next one until all of them were nothing but a pile of cotton and fabric on the floor. Standing up and looking for someone else to attack, she suddenly went rigid.

Azrael grinned, "And now the withdrawal. The part I'm sure you three are looking forward to the most." My grip on the chair tightened, as I watched as her body twitched violently. Gasping she stumbled towards the window. She screamed out as she slipped on some cotton, falling, her arm slammed against a desk. She screamed in sheer pain before she began twisting violently on the floor. Her back arched dangerously. Her fingers bending back to far. The first one snapped. She screamed in agony.

Her legs twisted at weird angles as her neck snapped back. I was finally able to see her eyes as her hair was tossed back, but they were too constricted for me to be able to tell her eye color. She rolled on the floor, arching again. The next finger broke. She screamed again, tears now streaming from her eyes. Dragging her twitching body across the floor she dragged her hand with all her good fingers down the window.

"Please," she begged, "please help me. Stop-" She was interrupted as another finger snapped. She screamed and then began coughing violently. The result was blood on the floor as she wretched above it, more pouring out of her mouth. Pushing herself up and stumbling away from the mess on the floor. Her legs suddenly gave a big twitch, knocking her off her feet. Her head struck the corner of the bed. And her eyes shut. With a shudder, her body collapsed on the ground, still twitching, but blood pouring out from beneath her head staining her beautiful blue hair and more running down her chin. I stood abruptly.

The Doctor and his soldiers rushed from the room to attend to her. Pressing my own hands against the window, watching as the nurses loaded her limp, but still twisting body onto the stretcher, I closed my eyes to keep myself from showing to much emotion. I heard Azrael speak, "Hmm, that would have been perfect too. Except we can't have your bones breaking. How would you pilot a mobile suit with broken fingers? She's a good one to use for testing though. Her body appears to be very receptive. I could use her again. Need to make sure she gets the best possible treatment then."

I turned and stared at him angrily. How dare he do that to her, and then have the nerve to _joke_ about it. Without waiting to be dismissed, I strode out of the room and stomped towards my own. That ass. How dare he use her for his little experiment? He was going to pay… severely.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

This chapter was longer compared to the others. The next one won't be as long though. I can tell you that now. So what do you think then? Thanks for the reviews, please review this chapter as well, my fellow Shani lovers. After all, I only went this far because of you guys. If you want me to go farther, I need encouragement.

Smiles, ebacusta


	4. Her Destiny

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 4

**Her Destiny

* * *

**

"Please," she begged, "please help me. Stop-" She was interrupted as another finger snapped. She screamed and then began coughing violently. The result was blood on the floor as she wretched above it, more pouring out of her mouth. Pushing herself up and stumbling away from the mess on the floor. Her legs suddenly gave a big twitch, knocking her off her feet. Her head struck the corner of the bed. And her eyes shut. With a shudder, her body collapsed on the ground, still twitching, but blood pouring out from beneath her head staining her beautiful blue hair and more running down her chin. I stood abruptly.

The Doctor and his soldiers rushed from the room to attend to her. Pressing my own hands against the window, watching as the nurses loaded her limp, but still twisting body onto the stretcher, I closed my eyes to keep myself from showing to much emotion. I heard Azrael speak, "Hmm, that would have been perfect too. Except we can't have your bones breaking. How would you pilot a mobile suit with broken fingers? She's a good one to use for testing though. Her body appears to be very receptive. I could use her again. Need to make sure she gets the best possible treatment then."

I turned and stared at him angrily. How dare he do that to her, and then have the nerve to _joke_ about it. Without waiting to be dismissed, I strode out of the room and stomped towards my own. That ass. How dare he use her for his little experiment. He was going to pay… severely.

* * *

**_The image was sickening. Her blood coming up through her mouth, her fingers bent backwards at odd angles. But that was what haunted my dreams. Her image begging against the window to be released from her pain. She knew we were there. And that Azrael held the antidote. That just made things worse for me. I wanted to go see her. But there was never a chance for me to go without the others catching on. So I waited patiently, hoping she wouldn't die before then…_**

Lying on my bed, hoping that the familiar beat of my music would soothe my nerves, I thought back to what the other day's events had brought forth. My mind kept floating back to her face as her slim fingers snapped like they were mere sticks. The obvious pain she felt. And then to Azrael, talking about her as if she were some kind of experiment. It angered me for some unexplainable reason.

I sat up and regarded my companions bitterly as I'd been hoping for some alone time. Kuroto sat cross-legged on his own bed, absorbed in his video game. And Orga, leaning against the wall as he eagerly lapped up each word from his book. I closed my eyes and sighed inwardly. Life certainly was being a pain in the ass. Looking around, I decided to go for a walk to clear my head.

Pushing myself off the bed, I quickly left the room before the agitation showed on my face. Walking down the hall and ignoring everyone around me, I headed for the deck. As I stepped out onto it, the smell of the ocean wafted up my nose. Wrinkling it in mild disgust, I headed to look at the blue water below.

Azrael had no right to treat her like one of his experiments. As someone like me. She was the result of a man and woman who loved each other. She had a reason for being. I was the result of scientific discoveries and precise unification, with no real purpose except for killing. If he was going to perform an experiment it should have been on Kuroto or Orga. Both of them were annoying, loud, and obnoxious. They deserved it more than she did.

I groaned in frustration. Her again. Why was I always thinking about her? A light breeze picked up, blowing my hair, letting it brush softly against my skin. Much as I hated to think about it, it reminded me of her touch.

"Damn it," I mumbled, and sighed in defeat. It seemed no matter where I went, I was going to think about her. Possibly out of guilt. As improbable as it seemed, I wondered if maybe she had been singled out as a target because someone noticed we were spending a lot of time together and told Azrael. Well, more time than I usually spend with people. Maybe this was his way of punishing me for something. Reminding me, that as much I might dislike it, I was still at his mercy and therefore under his control. This was only made stronger by the fact that I was expendable just like the others so even if I disobeyed him, he'd be able to easily find a replacement.

_Maybe this will all go away if I just go see her_, I thought in defeat. Surely it wouldn't be _that_ bad if I went to go see the girl. Or maybe it would look better if I just happened to wonder by the medical wing and see her and wonder what happened. But no. Nobody but an idiot would fall for that. I never go to the medical wing except after some Test Runs in Forbidden, and the nurses would know I saw how it happened. They were after all, there. I sighed. Was life ever going to go my way?

"Shani…" No. And this was proof. Damn. I turned to face a girl with black hair. Who the hell was she? The sun had almost disappeared entirely. It was trying its hardest to make its last few rays of light memorable.

"What do you want?"

"I just thought… that maybe… you'd want to go see that girl," she replied. I froze. She knew about us? Wait a minute. What the hell! There was no _us_. Whoever's messing with my mind needs to stop.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

The girl bowed at the waist slightly as she spoke, "She says, that she doesn't know if you're her friend… but that she would like you to come visit her… when you get the chance."

"She's conscious now?" I asked, despite myself.

The nurse raised her head, "And stable as well."

"Is she…okay?" I couldn't resist. I had to know.

She smiled, "Why don't you go see for yourself? We've fixed her fingers up. And she's all bandaged. She said she would be very happy if you came to see her soon. I'll excuse myself now." I watched as the girl left.

That girl, asked the nurse to find me, so she could pass on a message? Why? Figuring that I owed it to her to at least pay a little attention to her after she paid so much to me, I started heading towards the medical area. When I reached there, the door slid open and the raven haired girl looked up from where she was checking various machines. She smiled.

"You came!"

"Is he here?" a familiar voice asked, as the bedside curtains were pushed partially open.

"Yes," the nurse said.

"Shani!" the girl exclaimed jumping up.

"Careful, you may reopen some of your wounds," the nurse warned.

I felt kind of stupid as I walked towards her and managed a quiet, "Hey."

The nurse finished her checks and grinned. "I'll leave you two alone." She left the room. I watched and waited a minute after the door closed.

I turned to her to look at her, "Hey, how are you feeling?"

She smiled, "Happy. Since you came to see me." I reached out and touched the back of her head.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

She shook her head, "I'm on pain relievers right now, so I can't feel anything."

"Lie down," I told her quietly. For some reason, I knew that unnecessary emotions were showing on my face. She did as I asked. I looked down at her.

"Why?" I asked. "Why didn't you fight harder?"

She smiled at me sadly, "Because… in the end… isn't this all I'm good for?" My eyes widened.

"Wh-What?" I gasped.

She chuckled quietly, "Shani… I'm an orphan – no actually, I take that back… I was _abandoned_by my family. The only people who even cared about my existence are dead. So if I was used for experiments, no one would really care. I'm dead to everyone else anyway. It's no lose to the world if I disappear. And no matter what you say, I know it isn't. But knowing, that if it wasn't me, it'd be you suffering, makes me want to try harder to not let the pain get to me."

"What are you-?"

"Shani, you have suffered enough. Let me share your burden. After all, this is what my life is going to become," she said.

"What are you, stupid?" I exclaimed. "What are you talking about, taking pain for me and shit? Are you saying that orphans and abandoned children deserve a life like that? That's stupid. I already told you, my life is going no where. It is no big deal, for a person like me, to bite the dust. But you, the product of a man and a woman's love… you have a better life lined up for you somewhere."

"But Shani, nobody cares what hap-" she began.

I interrupted her, "You think anyone gives a shit about me? You think anyone cares what happens to my life? Why can't you realize that I was born to die anyway? It wouldn't matter if I was to fall, because I can be replaced. How the hell can you be replaced?" She sat up.

"But that doesn't change the fact that nobody would care if I disappeared. The only-"

"I care! Okay? **I** _care_! Isn't that enough?" I was yelling by now, and I could feel tears pressing at the back of my eyes for some stupid unknown reason. She was stunned by my revelation. I don't know why I said it either. As far as I like to think, I didn't care about her. But for some reason, I knew that was telling a lie. Some part of me, deep down, did care about this girl whether I wanted to admit or not.

"Shani…" she whispered before the tears started down her face. Her shoulders began to shake. "I've waited so long… to hear those words… from somebody…" she said in the same manner.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had gotten up out of my chair and pulled her shaking body into my chest. "Are you scared?"

"I don't want… to…" she managed. I had no clue what she was trying to get out so I spoke instead.

"Don't be… because I'll be there. I'll protect you."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

REVIEW!


	5. Her Song

Friday, July 15, 2005

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 5

**Her Song

* * *

**

"But that doesn't change the fact that nobody would care if I disappeared. The only-"

"I care! Okay? **I** _care_! Isn't that enough?" I was yelling by now, and I could feel tears pressing at the back of my eyes for some stupid unknown reason. She was stunned by my revelation. I don't know why I said it either. As far as I like to think, I didn't care about her. But for some reason, I knew that was telling a lie. Some part of me, deep down, did care about this girl whether I wanted to admit or not.

"Shani…" she whispered before the tears started down her face. Her shoulders began to shake. "I've waited so long… to hear those words… from somebody…" she said in the same manner.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had gotten up out of my chair and pulled her shaking body into my chest. "Are you scared?"

"I don't want… to…" she managed. I had no clue what she was trying to get out so I spoke instead.

"Don't be… because I'll be there. I'll protect you."

* * *

_**I made it clear to her later, that when I told her that I cared, I meant it strictly on friendly terms. That I cared about her as a friend. She was still over the top with happiness. She was released from the medical ward a couple of days after I lost control and threw my feelings out for the world to see. And when she was, her hand wrapped up and her fingers completely immobilized to make sure they'd heal up completely, she came to find me. And she did one day, while I was eating lunch.**_

"Is this seat taken?" she asked as she sat her tray down to indicate what seat she was talking about. I looked up.

"No," I said truthfully.

"May we sit here then?" she asked.

"I guess I can't stop you," I replied.

She laughed and then she and a girl with fudge colored skin sat down. The unknown girl across from me, my friend beside me. I still couldn't decide whether I liked having one or not.

"So who are you?" I asked the unknown girl.

"Me? I'm Lillith," she replied. "And you would be Shani Andras, I presume."

"Congratulations," I mumbled before going back to my food. Unfortunately, she was not going to give up. "So Mr. Andras-"

"Don't call me Mr. Andras," I interrupted without looking up.

"Okay, Mr. Shani?"

"No."

"Shani Andras?"

"No."

"Andras?

"No."

"Shani?"

"No."

"What can I call you then?" she asked exasperated.

"Nothing. Don't talk to me," I replied.

She pouted, "Now that's no fun."

"You were the ones who wanted to sit here."

"Well aren't you just a ray of sunshine," she said sarcastically.

My friend grinned, "Of course he is!" And then she put a hand on my head and ruffled my hair.

"Don't touch me," I snapped, though for some reason it melted my heart to say that to her. I was almost glad she didn't stop, but I had to get her stop otherwise, Orga and Kuroto would blab and do what they do best. Act like idiots. I smacked her hand away.

She looked at me, with thin lips, "Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Lillith laughed, "Does he ever get up on the right side of bed?"

"Of course he does," she replied. "You just have to know how to make him change his mind about how he wants to act you know?" And then she pinched my rear.

"What the hell!" I yelled as I jumped. "What's the matter with you?" She and Lillith giggled uncontrollably. I took my tray and scooted away from them. She waited until she got control of herself before she spoke to her friend across the table.

"Hey you know what?" she said, "He's got a nice ass."

I fought to keep my face from reddening as Lillith leaned forward and said with wide eyes, "Really?"

She laughed, "Wouldn't I like to pinch that one more often?"

"You're a pervert," I said shaking my head. She slid her body down the seat.

"I'm just trying to get you to talk to me. I mean what's it gonna take? Do I gotta sing to you or something?" she asked.

"Sing?"

"You know, she's got an A-class voice, right?" Lillith asked. I shook my head. "She's incredible."

"Oh stop," she blushed.

"No, I'm being serious. This girl has a career in singing lined up for her. I don't know why she's on this hellhole of a ship," Lillith gestured.

"Really?" I asked, and then before I could stop myself, "Could I hear you sing something?"

She looked at me surprised, "Well, er, uh, I guess. Any requests?"

Lillith shook her head, "Just something that will bring out your talent."

She paused a minute to consider, "Hmm… okay. I think I've got something."

"Stand up," Lillith urged.

"But that would disrupt everyone else," she protested.

Lillith rolled her eyes, "You'll disrupt everybody anyway. That's just the way you are when sing."

"So she's that bad, huh?" I asked.

"No, that's not what I meant. I just mean that she gets into it and she's loud," Lillith replied. She blushed again. She stood and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and than began to sing.

"Nothing seems to be the way that it used to. Everything seems shallow, God give me truth," she moved her hand like she was about to reach out but then pulled back, and brought it back to her chest as she continued, "In me," her hands left her chest and spread apart slightly, "and tell me somebody's watching," her hands made a circle, and came back together. She layered them together and cuddled her face in it, eyes closed, "Over me," her hands slowing intertwined as she looked up, "and that is all I'm praying is that

"Someday, I will understand," her arm made a sweeping motion as she brought one hand to her chest, leaving the other suspended in a motion like she was deciding if she should reach out to somebody or not. People were turning around to watch as she continued her song, "In God's whole plan and what He's done to me… Oh but maybe, someday I will breathe, and I'll finally see, I'll see it all in my baby." I watched her with great interest as her head rose upwards looking towards the ceiling, her eyes filled with sadness.

She reached the hand out that had been by her side, closing it into a soft fist and bringing it back to her chest as she sang the next line, "Don't you run too fast my dear, why don't you stop?" I got the distinct feeling that suddenly she was singing to me. She didn't look at me as she was looking at the ceiling, but somehow I knew it as she went on, her head lowering to her chest, "Just stop and listen to your tears, they're all you've got."

"It's in you," she sang, raising her head to look at the cafeteria, and moving her left arm gracefully out in front and swinging it slowly around stopping after swinging it in a 90 degree arch. She pushed her right hand forward, her finger pointing straight in front of her as she went on, "You see somebody's watching, over you," she swung her right arm 90 degrees as well, so both her arms formed a straight line, and were even with her shoulders. She brought her arms in gracefully, clasping them together, her shoulders rising slightly and then lowering again, "And that is all I'm praying is that, someday…"

She dropped both her arms to her side, still singing as she began to walk across the cafeteria, "…you will understand. In God's whole plan, and what he does to you…" As she sang that line, she bent over so she was looking Kuroto and Orga in the eyes, gingerly reaching out and running her hands softly over Orga's right cheek, and Kuroto's left, until she was cupping their chins, she dropped her hands as she walked on, singing, "Oh but maybe, someday you will breathe." She knelt next to a girl running her hand up her arm, "And you'll finally see," she went on to another person, "you'll see it all in your baby… You'll see it all in your baby…"

She walked to the middle of the cafeteria continuing, raising her hands back to her chest, a couple tears slipping down her cheeks, "No moment, will be more true, than the moment, I look at you… It's in you…" She swung her left arm out again, "You see somebody's watching," and stretched her right hand out, finger pointing before swinging around just like the left one had, "over you." This time she dropped her hands and walked down the other side of the cafeteria, stopping to cup a boy with brown hair's face with both her hands, "And that is why I'm praying is that someday, you will understand."

She moved on, her hand brushing another one's cheek as she passed, looking back at him, "In God's whole plan, and what he does to you…" she locked eyes with me as she lowered herself to her knees in front of me, reaching out and brushing my hair softly aside, and running her hands down my face softly, a few more tears slipping out of her eyes. "Oh but maybe, someday you will breathe. And you'll finally see… you'll see it all in your baby… You'll see it all in your baby… You'll see it all in your baby," she reached over to touch Lillith's face as she sang the last line, "You'll see it all in you baby." Blinking softly, she stared up into my two different colored eyes.

The claps and cheers broke out as she stood, pulling her hand away once she finally stood, but continued to stare into my eyes. I could still feel her hand resting softly on my cheek as my hair fell back in place, even though her hands were hanging limply beside her body.

"What did you think?" Lillith asked as she patted her friend on her back.

"It was good," I answered. "You have a really good voice." A small smile broke out on her face. "What the hell are so you happy about? You have bandages on your head for heaven's sake!" And then the tears started slipping down her face. She stared at me a few seconds longer and then dropped to her knees and threw her arms around Lillith and me.

"Somebody's watching… over you…"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

And that's that. The song is Britney Spear's _Someday (I Will Understand)_. It took me a while to get this chapter out because **a)** I injured my foot pretty bad and it was hard to walk and **b)** I was looking for the perfect song, and I think I've found it. What do you think? Did it fit well, or do you know of a better song I could have used for this chapter? Did you like Lillith? What's your favorite chapter/part so far? What would you like to see? Please leave a review, and tell me everything on your mind. And tellother Shani lovers to come check out this fic and tell me what they think. I'll be answering questions in the next chapter, so leave what ever questions you have. Also, sorry if there were some sections hard to follow, please tell me what they were so I can fix them. I kept flipping into different perspectives unintentionally. I think I got it all out but I'm not sure.

ebacusta

P.S. Just a friendly reminder... REVIEW!


	6. Her Dreams

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Okay, like I promised, I'll answer questions now.

**Green Day rules!**: Friends? Really? Wow, that clears a lot of stuff up. I mean it all makes sense now; the reasons they were trying to kill each other, why didn't I see it before? In the manga, when Shani was like, "Buzz off or I'll shoot you, Clotho." I mean it's obvious the whole display was _supposed _to be an open expression of their _wuv _for each other:

Shani: Ha ha. Catch Kuruto!

Kuroto: (looking constipated since apparently he's not angry) Ha ha, Shani! (barely dodges Orga's playful blasts) Oruga!

OrgaL Ha ha! Oops, sorry, cut a little close!

Wow… now I understand. You know, it never made sense why Kuroto always looked angry with his buddies? Now I know! He must have just had a little constipation. Yeah, I know, they talk. Friendly banter between each other, as they play together in their giant Mobile Suits of Death. What fun! After all, they do say there's a thin line between love and hate. (Oh no! I broke my Sarcas-O-Meter! Dang it. I guess I'll have to get a new one),

Look, just because people share the same pain, doesn't mean they sympathize with each other. I'm going to agree with you on some counts. The girl is very cliché. You want to know why? Because the story was something I wrote at two in the morning and it was never supposed to go passed chapter 1. I do believe I've said this at least three times, which obviously tells me that either you can't read, (or you're choosing not to read) and you can't write, as your "review" told me.

By the way, don't tell me, what my story is, and isn't. It's called a fanfiction for a reason. It is me (the _fan_) writing _fiction_ about something that already exists. Meaning this story can be what ever (or watev in your case) I want it to be. If you don't like what I write than just leave. Nobody is shoving it down your throat. I know exactly what Shani's character is supposed to be like, and when I feel like it, I'll write an in character fanfiction. Shani romance is hard if not impossible when he's in character and it would take chapters and chapters of gently working down his barriers against his will for him to even become vulnerable enough to the idea. But as I wanted to write a short fic, I just kicked him out of character. I didn't label the story correctly, so I'm sorry, I'll do that now, but you know, before you go off telling people they "SUCK" maybe you should pay more attention to the little details (i.e. Kuroto's constipation). But if you're worried about OOC, just be glad I didn't decide to make the story a shonen-ai.

I think I said at some point that I knew I had made Shani way OOC, or for some who like to be a little creative OCC (I'm curious, what's that mean anyway?), and if I didn't in the story, I believe I told one of the reviewers, so I am very much aware of the fact that I made Shani too vulnerable. I thought it about a billion times as I continued with the story, but you know, I let it slide, because this story is just me playing around to get all the OOCness out of my system before I write a serious fanfiction.

Also, what are the chapters supposed to be called? My Body? My Song? Does Shani even sing? My other reviewers wanted a romance fanfiction. Romance involves two people, and since it's first person perspective, it makes more sense to focus on the other half of the relationship. Don't you think? If you want to gripe and moan about OOC stories that have graced this board, then go ahead and release an _in_ character story and show us all how it's done. And everything doesn't belong to her, just the things that she was born with, those being, in case you couldn't tell, her kindness, her body, her vocal cords, her destiny, and her pain (which her parents graced upon her, though I doubt you know this because I don't think you even read the story).

By the way, if you're going to grace by story with your flames, at least take the time to use proper grammar and English so that I actually know what your saying. After all, isn't the point of flames to try and put the author down with whatever stupid opinions you have about a story you obviously don't like? After all, I'll need to understand so that I can properly reply about how little I care about what you think. Don't like it? I don't care, I know I can't please everybody, so I'm happy pleasing the people I can.

Okay, moving on. **Kawaii-blue**, you didn't have any questions, but thanks for the review.

**Yellowtaffeta**: 1. Will her eye color play an important role, as I heavily hinted at it in chapter 3?

A: Not particularly. For a while, I was playing with the idea of linking this story to another story that I was going to put out soon, and I was going to do that with physical description, but I'm not really sure.

2. Does "she" have a name?

A: Of course she has a name! Everyone has a name! What you should be asking, is if you'll get to find it out. Thanks for the review, by the way. Yes, they are underappreciated considering all they've been through, but sadly, the don't appreciate each other. Guess I'll have to work overtime to cover them as well. (smiles)

So, moving right along with the story. And sorry about taking so long to release this. My internet went down. And if you have more questions, feel free to drop them. Oh and to satisfy Green Day:

**_WARNING:_** Contains major OOC in relation to a cliché girl character.

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 6

**Her Dreams

* * *

**

She walked to the middle of the cafeteria continuing, raising her hands back to her chest, a couple tears slipping down her cheeks, "No moment, will be more true, than the moment, I look at you… It's in you…" She swung her left arm out again, "You see somebody's watching," and stretched her right hand out, finger pointing before swinging around just like the left one had, "over you." This time she dropped her hands and walked down the other side of the cafeteria, stopping to cup a boy with brown hair's face with both her hands, "And that is why I'm praying is that someday, you will understand."

She moved on, her hand brushing another one's cheek as she passed, looking back at him, "In God's whole plan, and what he does to you…" she locked eyes with me as she lowered herself to her knees in front of me, reaching out and brushing my hair softly aside, and running her hands down my face softly, a few more tears slipping out of her eyes. "Oh but maybe, someday you will breathe. And you'll finally see… you'll see it all in your baby… You'll see it all in your baby… You'll see it all in your baby," she reached over to touch Lillith's face as she sang the last line, "You'll see it all in you baby." Blinking softly, she stared up into my two different colored eyes.

The claps and cheers broke out as she stood, pulling her hand away once she finally stood, but continued to stare into my eyes. I could still feel her hand resting softly on my cheek as my hair fell back in place, even though her hands were hanging limply beside her body.

"What did you think?" Lillith asked as she patted her friend on her back.

"It was good," I answered. "You have a really good voice." A small smile broke out on her face. "What the hell are so you happy about? You have bandages on your head for heaven's sake!" And then the tears started slipping down her face. She stared at me a few seconds longer and then dropped to her knees and threw her arms around Lillith and me.

"Somebody's watching… over you…"

* * *

**_After the Lunch room display, things were fairly quiet. I didn't see much of her, there were oddly no test runs, so I rarely had to see Azrael's hideous face. I was feeling pretty happy. There were no annoying "comrades" to get in my way. It was just me and my music. Just the way I wanted it to be. However, it appeared that she was not so willing to give up, as I found a note from her one day, asking me to meet her on the deck. I intentionally ignored it as I noticed that Orga often read there. However, one night, when the moon was out, and I wondering up to the top deck, thinking I could be up there alone. But she was there on the top deck too, though, for once, she wasn't expecting me._**

As I stepped up through the door and my nose automatically crinkled at the ocean smell. It smoothed itself when I was met by a very unfamiliar sight. A person standing on the usually deserted deck. I thought about just backing out quietly, but they had already heard me coming.

The person turned. "Oh, Shani…"

I stared at her, puzzled. Oh Shani? What the heck? Normally, it'd be, 'Shani! How are you? I'm so glad we ran into each other!' Or whatever else she says. I hesistated a minute before I decided to go ahead and join her leaning on the railing. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Huh?" she replied.

"What's wrong?"

"What?"

"Why are you upset?" I asked getting slightly aggravated.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a little sad, is all," she replied.

"You didn't answer my question. I asked, why."

"Oh… well, it's my mother's birthday today, and, I've just been thinking about them all day." Oh, fabulous. That means that's she really sad, and she may start crying. I can't deal with tears, mainly because I never encountered them. I mean, seriously, who was gonna cry back at the facility. Tears meant weakness, and weakness meant death. I winced as I thought back to the tears that I'd shown her the first time we met. How disgraceful. But of course, I couldn't really blame myself. I had cried before, because of the pain withdrawal caused.

"Oh," I said. "I'm… sorry?"

She laughed. "Oh, Shani… thanks for trying though." Was that what I was doing? Trying? I just don't want her to cry and start acting pathetic and blubbery. We sat in silence for a while as we started out across the water.

She broke the silence first. "You know, now that I think about it… I've always wanted to make my mother happy on her birthday, and on mother's day as well. That's why, I always found a way to send her some kind of present, bought with what little money I get from working in the army. Except this year. This year, being on the sea, I wasn't able to get her a present to send. And now that I think about it, not having any reminder of me this year, is probably what's made her the happiest… It's ironic."

I remained silent. I wasn't quite sure where she was going with this and I certain wasn't about to risk anything. She took my silence as my consent for her to go on.

"Have you ever wanted to make someone happy, Shani?" she asked.

"No, not really."

"Not even Azrael? Or the people at the facility?"

"No, not really."

"I think you have, and maybe you didn't realize it. I mean after all, didn't you try to make the people at the facility happy with your progress, so you wouldn't be killed?"

I tensed. "Where are you going with this?"

"I've always had the feeling… that I could never please any body, or make any one happy… not even God. They say he loves everyone, but sometimes, I think maybe he decides to leave me off his blessing list. I've only felt happy once before in my life, and that was when my cousin and his family took me in and showered me with real love and affection, even though the others in the family shunned them for bringing a delinquent back into the family. When they died, I was sure God was punishing me for something. Maybe for all the things I stole while I was back with the other orphans. But whatever the case was, I was certain I could never be happy again."

"Yes, and?" I asked getting impatient. She was babbling.

"You've proved me wrong, Shani," she said. What? What in God's name was she talking about?

"Huh?"

"You've made me happy again. Given me a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. When you cried in front of me, when we met, even though I know it was half because of your drug induced state. I was happy. It told me, that you trusted me, well at least your body did. Only four other people in my entire life have trusted me like that… and they died. Which is why, I can't help but think, that you, who have made me happy once again, are going to leave me as well. Especially since you're piloting FORBIDDEN.

"All day long I've been thinking about how sad I would be if I was left all alone again. What would I do? I wonder if I'd be able to even take being abandoned again. So I've stayed all closed up. That's what I've been thinking about these last couple of days. And it's made me sad. I don't really know you, just like you don't really know me, and yet, you've managed to make me feel things, I've never felt before." I really didn't know what she was getting at. I didn't know at all. I was just getting ready to snap at her, when she finally made her point.

"I'm scared."

"You're what?" I was surprised all her babbling was such a simple matter.

"I'm scared."

"Why didn't you just say that instead of wasting my time?"

"Sorry." There was silence.

"What are you scared of?" I finally asked.

"Losing you and Lillith," she replied. "Losing touch with my humanity."

"How the hell are you losing touch with your humanity?"

"With each abandonment, a part of me died. There's only a small part of me left alive. Would you believe that when I was little I actually used to stick out? I used to be interesting, and have a personality that made me different than the others? Well, I did. I used to be such a bright bubbly girl with a head full of dreams and heart full of hope.

"But you know, losing over and over and over again killed me slowly. My parents never encouraged my dreams. Hell, they never encouraged _me_ much less anything else even related to me. I was rejected over and over and over again and with each rejection, dream after dream after dream was shot down and killed. I became a very depressing little girl. But after being adopted I became the old me again. And then they died. And now I'm that depressing loser again. I'm bland. I have no personality or distinguishing marks."

"What do you call sky blue hair and covered eyes?" I asked.

She chuckled, "Well, that's just as distinguishing as the next girl who has pink hair and covered eyes."

"Seriously though, just because your sad or depressed, doesn't mean you don't have dreams or a personality," I replied. "You personality, is you, and what you liked to do. You like to sing, and talk to friends. You like to listen and help people sort out their problems, and oddly enough, you like to work with machinery."

"But I'm selfish."

"Who isn't? Take Azrael for example, I don't think he's cute anybody else's interests in mind but himself. The point is though, you are who you are, and the only way you wouldn't have a personality, is if you became a vegetable. And even then you'd still have one, I just wouldn't be able to tell what it was. You are a kind person."

"Only because I force myself to be. I'm actually pretty bitter."

"Does it matter? The point is, that the side you choose to show people, is your kind side however forced it may be. And as for dreams, I can tell you one that you've always wanted."

She arched her eyebrow as she looked at me. Personally, I was just as surprised as she was, as I had no idea why I was taking the time to cheer her up. "Oh really?" she asked. "What is it?"

"Something you've always dreamed of having is friends and a family. You've also dreamed of falling in love and making your mother happy," I replied. "You tell me something else."

She looked at me and then turned her head to the sky, "Well, if you really want to know. I've always wanted to become a writer. Travel around the world and see what I can see. If I could do that, oh, I would be so happy. And one day owning a nice house that I can share with my family."

"See? My point is, that the big things aren't the only things that make up you. The little things contribute as well."

She turned back and looked at me. "You're right. Thanks, Shani."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Okay, next chapter. Tell me what you thought. Yes, I know Shani is out of character, I'd have to be pretty blind if I didn't. So, anyway, review, please, and tell me what you thought. There was a lot of babble in here, huh? Sorry if it got confusing. Once again, leave your questions if you have any. And just for the record, I don't really like shonen-ai stories, so you won't have to worry about me making one. Review!

ebacusta

P.S. Who ever it was who asked for Orga, Kuroto sequels that may or may not be in character, depending on how silly I'm feeling, I need an answer. I'm trying to plan my schedule because I've got a lot of things to do before the end of summer.


	7. Her Love

Monday, August 22, 2005

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 7

**Her Love

* * *

**

"Does it matter? The point is, that the side you choose to show people, is your kind side however forced it may be. And as for dreams, I can tell you one that you've always wanted."

She arched her eyebrow as she looked at me. Personally, I was just as surprised as she was, as I had no idea why I was taking the time to cheer her up. "Oh really?" she asked. "What is it?"

"Something you've always dreamed of having is friends and a family. You've also dreamed of falling in love and making your mother happy," I replied. "You tell me something else."

She looked at me and then turned her head to the sky, "Well, if you really want to know. I've always wanted to become a writer. Travel around the world and see what I can see. If I could do that, oh, I would be so happy. And one day owning a nice house that I can share with my family."

"See? My point is that the big things aren't the only things that make up you. The little things contribute as well."

She turned back and looked at me. "You're right. Thanks, Shani."

* * *

**_The next couple days were rough. A battle in ORB, an enduring headache from Kuroto's constant screams of "DIE!", "ELIMINATE!", "DESTROY!" Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to beat the enemy by making their ears bleed. And then, I learned of his speech impediment as he apparently, can't speak, what I assume is his native language, correctly (an "MMMMMMMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKA!" is apparently how he intends to address Orga now). It is most annoying, listening to him as he is so loud that even my music can't drown him out. Sometimes I wish he would be quiet like Orga. And of course, there's the withdrawal we felt afterwards. Life certainly wasn't looking very upbeat. But then again, I always knew my life would be bleak._**

I once again stood on the deck, looking out over the sea. I was listening to my music and the sun has long since set. A bright full moon let the water, and shined it's light on the ship where I stood. The battle in ORB, with those two mobile suits was on my mind. They certainly were annoying. I had to admit, I was tired from the battle. Kuroto screaming into the communicator. Whatever possessed him to hold down the communicator button while he was yelling, I'll never know, because it certainly wasn't necessary.

As I looked out over the water, I felt surprisingly calm. My music was off right now. I felt like listening to the waves, which is why I heard the footsteps behind me. I turned.

"Shani," the girl gasped. It was her. And then suddenly, her shoulders were trembling and she ran at me, throwing herself into me, her arms wrapping around my mid-section. As I hadn't been expecting the extra weight addition I lost my balance and fell onto my backside. From the way my shirt was getting "mysteriously" wet, I could tell she was crying.

"Shani," she cried. "I was so worried…" Her shoulders trembled, as her face pressed against my chest. "I was so scared… that you wouldn't come back… because I was waiting… and praying." I was surprised by this. She was waiting for me? Scared, worried even, that I wouldn't come back? Why?

"Are you hurt?" she asked raising her face to mine.

"No," I replied startled. Not physically anyway, my pride had been injured some.

"Thank goodness," she said burying her face in my shirt again. "I was so scared."

"Why?" I asked. "Why were you scared? I said I'd protect you, didn't I?"

"The words of a dead man!" she exclaimed, raising her face again, grabbing my shirt collar and pulling me towards her. "The words of a person who wants to die!" She started to cry again. "I don't want to be protected…" She turned her head away.

"You don't want what?"

"I don't want you to protect me!" she screamed as tears seeped out of her eyes even faster. "When you say that, you almost always die. I don't want you to die! I want you to stay with me forever."

"Why? Why would it matter so much if I died?"

"Because you're my friend, Shani, I worry about you. I was so scared that you would die out there," she said. "Please don't leave me, Shani."

I stared at her. Why was she so emotional about this? Even though, I had to admit, there was a part of me doing something, feeling something, I could not identify. But it had to do with her, and it was a strong feeling. I wanted to protect her with all my being. Even if I did die, it would be all right, as long as she was safe.

"You shouldn't worry so much," I said, "it will just wear you out?"

"I shouldn't worry so much? I want you to have a better life. The best life you could possibly have. I want you to be happy and to achieve your dreams. Shani I can't help it. I'm always thinking about you. I'm always worrying about you. And I can't help but be scared when you go out to battle. I would be crushed if you died…"

"Why?" I asked. Why was I so important to her?

She bit her lip and then she lifted her head and looked at me. It tumbled out of her mouth in a shaky, slightly raised voice, "Because I love you!" We were silent for a while, her tears still falling on my shirt, her body still trembling in my grasp. She loved me? How was that be? Could I even be loved? Was that…? Was that what I was feeling for her?

"Why…?" I gasped.

"I can't help it. You're always in my mind, and I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to get hurt. I would rather die protecting you than you die protecting me. Another loss… I couldn't take it. I couldn't! I wish that everything in life would go right for you. That you'd get everything you ever wanted. I just want you to be happy…" she turned her head away from mine, "…even though I know you'll never return my feelings. I'm just a nuisance to you."

A nuisance? Was she really just a nuisance to me? Then why did I feel so weird around her? Why did I let her inside my head and into my feelings, into my heart? Why was I so angry when Azrael used her as a test subject, and so worried about how she was healing up? Why did it hurt to tell her to leave me alone? Those things she said, is that what I'm feeling? Those are the things that I wish for her. Is it possible? It must be… there's no other option. Why else would I act so weird? I noticed in some of Orga's books, they say it can change you.

I reached and grabbed her face turning it towards mine. "I love you too." A wind picked up, blowing her hair, and her bangs out of her eyes, and I gasped. She held the most vulnerable look in her eyes, her cheeks were stained with tears, as she looked at me. But what took my breath away was the beautiful color of her eyes. Unlike any other color I'd ever seen before, they were gold.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

There you have it. There's still more to come however. Please review, sorry for the long wait. I've been working on my site which is kinda back up, but not really, and school's starting soon. Now, some people may say that Cagalli's eyes are gold, but I feel their more of an amber brown. When I say gold, I mean gold in the purest sense. It's like a color you've never seen before. If you still can't imagine it, well then… oh well, I guess…

ebacusta


	8. Her Courage

Monday September 5, 2005

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 8

**Her Courage**

She bit her lip and then she lifted her head and looked at me. It tumbled out of her mouth in a shaky, slightly raised voice, "Because I love you!" We were silent for a while, her tears still falling on my shirt, her body still trembling in my grasp. She loved me? How was that possible? Could I even be loved? Was that…? Was that what I was feeling for her?

"Why…?" I gasped.

"I can't help it. You're always in my mind, and I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to get hurt. I would rather die protecting you than you die protecting me. Another loss… I couldn't take it. I couldn't! I wish that everything in life would go right for you. That you'd get everything you ever wanted. I just want you to be happy…" she turned her head away from mine, "…even though I know you'll never return my feelings. I'm just a nuisance to you."

A nuisance? Was she really just a nuisance to me? Then why did I feel so weird around her? Why did I let her inside my head and into my feelings, into my heart? Why was I so angry when Azrael used her as a test subject, and so worried about how she was healing up? Why did it hurt to tell her to leave me alone? Those things she said, is that what I'm feeling? Those are the things that I wish for her. Is it possible? It must be… there's no other option. Why else would I act so weird? I noticed in some of Orga's books, they say it can change you.

I reached and grabbed her face turning it towards mine. "I love you too." A wind picked up, blowing her hair, and her bangs out of her eyes, and I gasped. She held the most vulnerable look in her eyes, her cheeks were stained with tears, as she looked at me. But what took my breath away was the beautiful color of her eyes. Unlike any other color I'd ever seen before, they were gold.

**_I was unusually happy those next few days. Not that I showed it of course, but for once I was at peace with my soul. Kuroto's obnoxious behavior didn't annoy me, and neither did anything Orga did that had previously caused me great displeasure. And last but not least the ship we'd been chasing had gone up to space. I saw her constantly, as FORBIDDEN suddenly needed a LOT of maintenance. But as always, my happiness didn't last. It wasn't allowed too…_**

The girl smiled and waved a me as I approached, I glared at her, disgruntled, shrugging my shoulders.

"Mr. Andras," she said as she jogged over to me holding out a clipboard for me to see. Her blue hair waved lightly around her shoulders as she stopped. She handed me the clipboard. "The adjustments you wanted have been completed." I looked over the numbers, diagrams, and notes before slipping out a folded page hidden beneath the others and pocketing it.

"It looks fine," I shrugged. "Show it _him_." She nodded and followed me to FORBIDDEN, both of us grabbing hold of the wire which lifted us up to the cockpit.

She got into the seat and I peeked in to see what she was doing. "All right, this has been adjusted a bit to give you better aim when you refract your beams. The cuts and dents in your scythe have been repaired, and your arms have been adjusted to be better suited for fast scythe swinging action." She paused and grinned at me. I gave her a small smile. It felt nice to be in the copy of someone who genuinely mourned for my pain and cared for me. "These controls have been altered a bit, and some updates to your OS have been made. Now you tr—" she was cut off by a booming announcement.

"Pilots of RAIDER, FORBIDDEN, and CALAMITY, report to the bridge!" I looked at her.

"That's all right," she replied shaking her head. "You can try it a different time. I've got to take the updates to him anyway." Nodding we both proceeded down out of the mobile suit and walked out of the hangar, heading down the hall. She was describing her day to me quietly out of the corner of her mouth while I nodded, barely noticeable and watched her out of the corner of my eye.

All too soon we were walking onto the bridge, Orga and Kuroto were already there and waiting.

"Finally, you're here," Azrael said turning around, wearing his traditional baby blue suit and white shoes, his blond bangs arching around his face, his hair long in the back, lying against his neck. "There are several things I want to discuss with you.

"First, we will be following that ship up into space, preparations for such a venture are to begin immediately. Second, we'll be sharing a ship, meaning you three need to behave yourselves. Third, there's a new drug I want to test out." He eyed the girl quietly, and I took one step in front of her automatically to protect her. Azrael raised an eyebrow.

"What's going on here?" I remained silent. His facial expression darkened slightly but he said no more, instead reaching for several bottles and holding them out to us. We took them and with small inaudible sighs

"Wait a minute!" a voice exploded from behind me. The girl pushed around me. "What are you doing? You act like these boys aren't people!" she exclaimed grabbing the bottles out of our hands.

Azrael's other eyebrow raised this time. "They aren't people. They're warmongers, robots if you will, and their sole purpose is to kill. Isn't that right boys?"

We all remained silent looking at the ground. She went on. "That's not true! These boys have a future if you'd let them have one!"

"They were born and raised to kill others," Azrael shrugged simply.

She was getting angry. She took the vials and threw them at a wall, reaching back and pulling out a gun. "I've had it with you! You treat them with absolutely no respect, like their your damn puppets. No matter what you say, that's not true! Don't try to pass me off as a fool! They'd have a future if you'd get your sick and twisted fingers from around them. You piss me off! I've tried to be passive about this, but I can't take this any longer. These three boys deserve lives of their own, and if that means I have to eliminate the problem than I will!" She was crying by now. Tears of anger streaming down her cheeks, as she held the gun leveled at his heart.

"You don't deserve to play god for these people! You don't deserve to play god for anyone! If you would just opened up your closed mind and let go of your childish prejudices against Coordinators, you'd see the truth about them! You are endangering too many people's lives for this to continue uninterrupted!" As the last words rolled off her tongue, a gun shot echoed through the room.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

All righty, here it is the next chapter. Slight cliffhanger. The next chapter should be out next Friday. Sorry about the long wait. School's been keeping me busy. Please review this chapter.

ebacusta


	9. Her Death

Friday, October 28, 2005

Revised: Saturday, November 5, 2005

Ebacusta: Thanks for the reviews everyone. I'm keeping my word (even though I burned my finger and it hurts to type) and I updated on Friday. This chapter's kinda short, but please enjoy it.

The italicized part at the beginning is in the Third POV. I don't want to label it with "THIRD POV" because I think it will interrupt the flow.

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 9

**Her Death

* * *

**

We all remained silent looking at the ground. She went on. "That's not true! These boys have a future if you'd let them have one!"

"They were born and raised to kill others," Azrael shrugged simply.

She was getting angry. She took the vials and threw them at a wall, reaching back and pulling out a gun. "I've had it with you! You treat them with absolutely no respect, like their your damn puppets. No matter what you say, that's not true! Don't try to pass me off as a fool! They'd have a future if you'd get your sick and twisted fingers from around them. You piss me off! I've tried to be passive about this, but I can't take this any longer. These three boys deserve lives of their own, and if that means I have to eliminate the problem than I will!" She was crying by now. Tears of anger streaming down her cheeks, as she held the gun leveled at his heart.

"You don't deserve to play god for these people! You don't deserve to play god for anyone! If you would just opened up your closed mind and let go of your childish prejudices against Coordinators, you'd see the truth about them! You are endangering too many people's lives for this to continue uninterrupted!" As the last words rolled off her tongue, a gun shot echoed through the room.

* * *

_The girl's eyes widened as her right shoulder was wrenched back, and then a split second later it was followed by a searing pain. Her left shoulder followed suit, jerking backwards followed by the same pain and then she felt the worst one of all as it passed through her chest. Her eyes open she felt her feet lift off the ground as she flex back off the multi-leveled platform and landed on the ground, her head tilted to one side, her blood pouring out of her wounds._

It all happened so fast. Like in the span of a second. And surprisingly, the shot that her gun had released would have killed Azrael, had it not been for the "heroic" idiot who dived in the way, and knocked Azrael to safety. I was shocked. Even though she was shot, her aim was still perfect to an eighth of a degree. The man crashed clumsily to the ground. I was stunned and stood and stared before I burst into action. Someone had to get her to the infirmary. There was no telling just how long she would live.

Throwing caution to the wind, I lifted her up and headed towards the door. Azrael was too shocked to stop me.

"Let us help," came a familiar voice as I felt the load lessen. I looked. Kuroto and Orga were standing there, Orga now supporting the girl's other arm, as Kuroto ran ahead to alert the infirmary of us coming.

"Just hang in there," I whispered to her as we ran. Her breath sounded terribly shallow and liquid-y. Was something flooding her lungs? The very thought made my insides crawl. I could feel bile creeping its way up my throat and took a gulp to force it back down.

She was bleeding on our clothes, as her hands painfully clutched at our clothing. Her tears were still there, but she was not crying. They rested patiently on her cheeks, as if waiting to be needed again.

She may never need them again at this rate if we don't get her to the infirmary fast enough, I thought to myself. I looked at her. I didn't understand. Why wasn't she crying? Why wasn't she upset? She'd just been shot three times in quick succession! Anybody else would have been screaming bloody murder, but there she was, her expression calm and serene as we burst into the door.

Kuroto had done his part of the bargain. They were waiting with a stretcher, and after dumping her onto it, she was taken behind closed doors. Kuroto approached. "I described the shots to the doctor," he began slowly. Orga and I nodded, waiting for him to go on. "He said the one the pierced her chest likely went through a lung…"

He seemed hesitant, and this made me nervous. My heart began to beat loudly in my chest. I could hear my blood pulsing in my ears. "And…?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level. I was Shani Andras. I never showed emotion, whether it was called for or not. It was easier that way. It always had been, it always would be… But that didn't mean I didn't feel emotions. The emotions I was currently feeling were powerful and painful.

Was this what it meant to be in love? To feel these kinds of emotions for the other, all day, all the time, constantly worrying about their safety? I didn't know. These feelings were all so foreign to me. Before she came along, there had been no hope for my future. It was easier to cruise through life and not feel anything. But now, she had come, and she had messed everything up.

To some extent I deeply resented her for it. I was fine _alone_. I would have made it _alone_. I didn't need her help. I didn't need it for anything. Not even to get to my room on the day that we met. But she had stood there, patiently, and offered help to me, patiently, and everything came out. For once I felt that I was understood. Like a genius surrounded by idiots most of the time, and then he meets someone just as intelligent as he and he's so overjoyed he doesn't know what to do, so he does something completely unlike him. It was the same thing, I knew.

She had muddied the water of my pond, and now my heart was in turmoil, mourning for the loss of the girl I'd loved for a total of a couple weeks. Was life so cruel as to take that away from me after such a short period of time? I have never been happier before in my life. I have never experienced the type of inner peace that I'm experiencing now. I have never felt so hopeful and understood before. I don't want these feelings to go away. And it's these feelings that have me confused. It would be so much easier to hate her! To think of biting remarks to watch her cry. To be heartless, aloof, alone, and uncaring. The way I used to be. But that Shani is dead. Gone, changed forever… because of her. It's because of her that I suffer.

But at the same time, because of me she suffers. She stuck up for me, and for Orga and Kuroto. She stuck up for the lives we could have, would have, if our circumstances were any different. She believed that we could have such a life and she was willing to stand up for it, to go so far as to put her life on the line for it; to murder someone in cold blood and permanently stain her record to give us a new beginning. She's too kind for me. I don't react that way. But as I stood here in the infirmary, alone (I had been here longer than I thought, and my two fellow acquaintances had left), I found myself wishing to be a better person.

It's impossible for a person like me, I thought. I would think that. But she would think something else. She would suggest several ways that I could become a better person, and then she'd tell me to be me, and to act in whatever manner would make me the most comfortable. That would be my aloofness. Or at least it would have been before everything changed. Now I'm not sure where I stand. I sighed and sank into a chair. This whole matter of love was too much.

Hours passed as I sat, thinking, going in an endless circle, naming all the good things she's done and caused for me and all her flaws, then comparing myself to her and her endeavors to start a new life for me that I hadn't even taken the first step for myself. It was like a loop. Circular reasoning. I got no where. But it kept me occupied as the hours ticked by and no news proceeded out of the room they'd disappeared into several hours earlier. Finally the door opened.

I stood and looked expectantly at the doctor. I shouldn't have to voice my question. It's so cliché by now that he might as well recite the line himself. "The surgery was a success. Her lung will be healing up nicely, as will her bullet wounds as long as she lies back and takes it easy for a while. You're welcome to go in and see her. She may still be slightly unstable, but the chance of her dying is minimal."

I nearly killed the man trying to get through the door. There she was. Lying on a bed, she was awake, looking up at the ceiling. Nodding, the doctor closed the door behind him, after ushering the nurses out. He smiled.

"Hey," I said. She looked at me and smiled sadly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't able to free you from your misery. You're still here. Doing things you shouldn't have to do." I sat down and took her hand in mine.

"It's okay!" I said. "I'm more worried about you anyway. How are you feeling?"

"I'll tell you the truth."

"Please do."

"I'm in pain Shani. The doctor said that I probably won't die. I believe him. I probably won't. I won't let myself. Until I have made a difference from you three, and got you away from the pain of a place like this, I won't die. My soul won't rest!"

"It's not that big of a deal," I said trying to calm her. She was getting a bit too excited. "I'm just glad you're all right." She nodded with a smile.

"I… I don't belong in a place like this. I don't belong in this world. A product of science, I'm much more different than you could imagine. You don't know all the pain I feel, and you probably won't believe me when I tell you that I can feel your pain down to the zenith right now. But you don't belong here either. I want you to lead a happy life, far away from the pains of war like this. I want you to find someone you can be happy with who will be with you everywhere, and will support you in everything you do. I want that, but I don't think I'm the person who can provide that for you."

"But you are. You don't understand just how much this is hurting me right now. To see you like this and to know that I'm responsible. I love you! I've never felt this way before, and to be honest, I can't decide if I want to kiss you or kill you, but even still, you have made me happier than I've ever been before in my life. You've given me an understanding of a level of myself that I didn't know I had. And most of all you've given me a hope for the future. There will never be anyone else in the world that can do as much for me as you have," I told her, clutching her hands desperately.

Tears slipped out of her eyes and across her soft milky white skin. Her sky blue hair lay fanned out around her, and I felt fear grip my heart as the beeps representing her heartbeat began to slow and space out. "I'm getting tired, Shani," she whispered.

"Hey! Hey! Don't die. Please don't die! I'm begging you. A person like you deserves a second, third, fourth, fifth, _sixth_ chance at everything you do!"

"Shani… I love you," she sighed, her eyes closing, the green line on the screen flattening out, a steady beep filling the room.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

There you have it! Review please! Sorry about any grammar or mistakes. Several of you have mentioned Kuroto and Orga MC stories. I'm considering making them one, however I have no ideas for it. That's where you come in. If you could each give me an idea (even a small one, it doesn't have to be mega thought out) then I might be able to come up with something. For example, answer a question like: **Should Kuroto/Orga's story take place at the same time as this one, or a different time/place/area/circumstance?**

If you could take the time to do this I'd be grateful. As for long reviews, the longer they are, the happier I become!

Smiles,

ebacusta


	10. Her Journey

Saturday, November 5, 2005

I'm sorry this chapter's late. I didn't write this down on my calendar so I forgot about it, and I forgot to tell you anyway. On the first Friday of every month, don't expect an update. I have book club that night, and therefore, no time. Anyway, here's the next bit.

NOTE: I realized I made some bad mistakes last chapter (like unknowingly switching POVs, how, after all, would Shani know about the searing pain she felt after being shot? so I've gone back and fixed those things. You might want to check it out or maybe not. Nothing's really changed.)

This chapter may be slightly confusing. This time I will intentionally be switching POVs. Still First person, just through someone else's eyes. This change will be easily identified by a line.

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 10

**Her Journey

* * *

**

"I… I don't belong in a place like this. I don't belong in this world. A product of science, I'm much more different than you could imagine. You don't know all the pain I feel, and you probably won't believe me when I tell you that I can feel your pain down to the zenith right now. But you don't belong here either. I want you to lead a happy life, far away from the pains of war like this. I want you to find someone you can be happy with who will be with you everywhere, and will support you in everything you do. I want that, but I don't think I'm the person who can provide that for you."

"But you are. You don't understand just how much this is hurting me right now. To see you like this and to know that I'm responsible. I love you! I've never felt this way before, and to be honest, I can't decide if I want to kiss you or kill you, but even still, you have made me happier than I've ever been before in my life. You've given me an understanding of a level of myself that I didn't know I had. And most of all you've given me a hope for the future. There will never be anyone else in the world that can do as much for me as you have," I told her, clutching her hands desperately.

Tears slipped out of her eyes and across her soft milky white skin. Her sky blue hair lay fanned out around her, and I felt fear grip my heart as the beeps representing her heartbeat began to slow and space out. "I'm getting tired, Shani," she whispered.

"Hey! Hey! Don't die. Please don't die! I'm begging you. A person like you deserves a second, third, fourth, fifth, _sixth_ chance at everything you do!"

"Shani… I love you," she sighed, her eyes closing, the green line on the screen flattening out, a steady beep filling the room.

* * *

"No." I was in shock. "You promised you wouldn't die, remember? I'm not happy yet! I'm still here, stuck in this hellhole, you can't die yet. Please wake up… Wake up…" My eyes were burning. What was in them… salt? Liquid was running down my face. Was I crying? "Damn it," I gasped squinting my eyes in pain. "You said you wouldn't die. You lied. Why did you lie to me? Why?" Quietly, I slumped over onto her stomach, as the tears I hated wouldn't stop coming.

**_In that moment, every part of me died. I cried for the first time ever, but it was over. There was nothing in this world that could ever make me as happy as she made me again. I knew I was giving up, and that she wouldn't want me to, but there was nothing I could do anymore, nothing I felt like doing anymore. I loved her so much. Apparently a lot more then even I recognized. But she was gone now… and somehow, I had to move on…

* * *

_**

My face was still wet with his tears when I opened my eyes. My hand was tingling, and my ears burning as if I'd just heard some sinful confession that would cause me to burn in the fiery pits of Hell. I was surrounded by people when, their voices all sounding low as the murmured amongst each other, and then suddenly.

"SHE'S AWAKE!"

"She's awake? She's awake? What? How?" My breathing space was being violated. They were all crowding around me. My heart sped up as my breathing began to shallow. Who were these people? Where was _he_? It was so uncomfortable… I couldn't breathe. I began to thrash. _Get away from me! All of you! You aren't him. Leave me alone!_

Several gasps erupted from the crowd as the backed away from my flailing limbs. Trying to calm myself, I set up and looked around now able to see their faces clearly. Shani was not in the crowd.

I jumped out of bed. "Where is he?"

"Where is who?" one woman asked puzzled while a man, who was obviously the doctor, ran forward and tried to push me back onto the bed. "You aren't well enough to be out and about."

"WHERE IS HE?" I screamed. Something had gone terribly wrong. I could tell. Some gross misunderstanding had taken place, and it was about to take away the man I loved the most, the only person who had ever loved me back before in my life. "WHERE IS SHANI?"

"Shani?"

"Oh, he was one of Azrael's puppets."

"Don't call him that," I hissed practically spitting venom. I was delirious, to an extent. I wasn't sure where I was, I just wanted to get out. The air in here seemed stuffy and it was choking me.

"One of Azrael's pilots?" I nodded vigorously.

The woman, who at first hadn't known who I was talking about, looked at me sympathetically. She stepped forward and spoke, "Aw, poor girl. She's been in a coma for 15 days. Well, hun, to answer your question, Shani Andras is heading to space to fight. That should be leavin—"

"Get out of my way!" I exclaimed as I jumped off the bed and ran for the door.

"Stop, your lung hasn't healed enough yet!" the doctor yelled after me. I didn't listen to him as I ran as fast as I could down the hallway. Where was I? I didn't recognize this place. I just need an exit. Get me to the area where the mass driver was, someone. My chest was pounding with pain. I almost toppled over as I clutched it uselessly, but I wasn't stopping now. I screamed as I ran into something and was sit into the air, spinning as I flipped over and landed hard on my side, at an awkward angle, my limbs sprayed out. I was still dressed in the infirmary gown.

"Oh my god! Ryo! Watch where you're going! You just hit that girl," a feminine voice exclaimed as someone rush over to me. "Are you okay?" I straightened and popped my neck.

"I'm fine," I said before I remembered the reason for my panic. I grabbed her by the top of her uniform. "Hey! Can you lead me to the mass driver launch pad?"

"Uh, sure, what's the—"

"I've got something important I need to give to Azrael before they leave!" I screamed. _Yea, a bullet to the heart_, I thought sadistically. The girl didn't question anymore. She helped me up and we ran. I thought my lung was going to burst. It hurt so much I was almost certain I was going to cry, but I held my own as we burst out into the sun.

"That way!" she exclaimed as she pointed. My heart leapt. I could see three figures heading towards it, and they looked familiar. I began to sprint as fast as I could. "SHANI!" I screamed. "SHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNIIIIIIIII!"

Damn this useless lung of mine. My yells sounded weak to my ears, but I kept trying. They were almost to the ship, though they turned and heading towards a little side room with a little walk way directly to the space ship.

**"SHAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIII!"** The scream echoed across the area as the last person about to head into the room stopped and looked. It was him. I was close enough now. I could see him, looking back at me. I was almost there to his arms, and then suddenly he was pulled into the room and the door slammed. I couldn't stop. My bare feet were already hurting from the running I had but them through. I slammed into the door and fell back, rolling over and pain.

There was a window. I stood and went to it. There was Orga, Kuroto, and Shani, all standing listening to Azrael. I threw myself against it. I was crying now, I knew, as I began to bang all the glass as hard as I could. They all turned, looking surprised. Shani looked the most surprised as he glided to the glass pushing his hands against it, sadly.

"Shani! Please, don't go! Please," I begged. "No! I didn't… I couldn't…" The tears were cutting me off, and my lung was killing me. "Please don't die on me! I love you! Please!" I pressed my hands to the spot where his were pressed on the other side. His hands were bigger than mine. I looked at him sadly, as the tears ran down my cheeks. "You can't leave me like this. All alone. I didn't mean to leave you either. Please don—"

The needle of the tranquilizer stung as it pierced my neck. My expression morphed into one of surprise and shock, as I swayed before falling sideways, my eyes closing. I was still crying when I hit the concrete. I pushed my eyes open slightly. I lost consciousness to the sound and image of Shani banging on the glass, yelling.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

This chapter plans actually extended past this point, but I think this is a good place to stop. I will try to get the next chapter out on time. I must write it down in my calendar. Anyway, please leave reviews and **ideas** for Kuro/Orga fics. I'd appreciate it.

ebacusta

Next update: Friday, November 11, 2005


	11. Her Nightmare

Monday, March 20, 2006

Sorry it's taken me so long to get out this chapter. Back in November, my life kind of got rough and I went through a severe spell of writer's block and lack of _heart_ to write. I hope this chapter is all right, but it seems like I can't write very many long, well-written chapters. Please enjoy the chapter.

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 11

**Her Nightmare

* * *

**

There was a window. I stood and went to it. There was Orga, Kuroto, and Shani, all standing listening to Azrael. I threw myself against it. I was crying now, I knew, as I began to bang all the glass as hard as I could. They all turned, looking surprised. Shani looked the most surprised as he glided to the glass pushing his hands against it, sadly.

"Shani! Please, don't go! Please," I begged. "No! I didn't… I couldn't…" The tears were cutting me off, and my lung was killing me. "Please don't die on me! I love you! Please!" I pressed my hands to the spot where his were pressed on the other side. His hands were bigger than mine. I looked at him sadly, as the tears ran down my cheeks. "You can't leave me like this. All alone. I didn't mean to leave you either. Please don—"

The needle of the tranquilizer stung as it pierced my neck. My expression morphed into one of surprise and shock, as I swayed before falling sideways, my eyes closing. I was still crying when I hit the concrete. I pushed my eyes open slightly. I lost consciousness to the sound and image of Shani banging on the glass, yelling.

* * *

When I awoke, I was once again lying in a bed with white sheets. Another infirmary no doubt. Not that I would be here if the bastard hadn't shot me with a tranquilizer. It was then that I remembered what I'd been doing prior to receiving the drug. Shani. There he was, clear as day in my mind, the sadness that had been etched across his face when his hand nearly met my own, separated by a sheet of glass.

Instantly I was on my feet. I had to get out of here. Shani had gone to space. And my heart longed to be near him. It was painful. I kept thinking of his face, recalling it, painting it on the inside of my eyelids. I had to get to him. If nothing else but to see his face again and to stop the dull pain I was feeling inside.

The infirmary was empty, thankfully, so I headed out. I couldn't run around in a gown, I'd need some clothes. I was disoriented. Where was I? Probably not far from the Mass Driver, but somehow I needed to get into space and to find out where Shani and the others were. I went into the nearest room. It looked like a bedroom. Perfect. Whoever lived here was bound to have extra clothes outside of their uniform. I began to search through the contents of the room.

Less than ten minutes later, I was running down the hall clothed in an orange dress and brown shoes. They had small heels and clicked on the metal floor quietly as I ran. I soon made it back outside, dashing through the sun back towards the large structure that could be nothing other than the mass driver.

There was no telling how long I'd been out, but that just fueled my thoughts that I had not a second to spare. In no time I was back outside the room Shani had been in earlier before I'd been tranquilized. The room was empty. I ran to the door and pulled on it. It wouldn't budge. I pulled on it again and again until I was tired and sweating. The door had to be locked. There was no way I'd been getting in through this way. It was highly unlikely I'd be able to pick the lock. I was standing on a military base after all.

I dashed around the corner and ran into two maintenance workers I remembered from the ship.

"Hey!" I exclaimed as I stopped beside them. "How long ago did Azrael's ship leave?"

"That thing pulled out yesterday morning," one of them with tan skin and dark blue, almost black, hair replied, adjusting the orange cap he wore on his head. Shoot, just as I suspected.

"Do you know where they're heading?" I asked again.

The second man, a man with shirt brown hair, shrugged. "No, but rumor on the base has it that they're heading up to meet up with the new war ship _Dominion_."

"The one modeled off the _Archangel_?" I asked. They nodded. I really needed to get up to space. "Do you know a way I could get to space?"

They blinked at me. "Well, there's a ship leaving in about 15 minutes with military supplies. You could prob—" I didn't wait for the dark haired boy to finish his sentence. I was running back towards the docking area. I could see the entrance looming over me. Desperately I began running up the stairs. There were so many, I didn't think I'd be able to make it, but by the time I did, I was hot, panting, and tired. I hurried through the threshold onto the ship, and not a minute too late. The door closed behind me as a feminine voice crackled to life via intercom.

"All personnel ready yourselves for take off."

I leaned against the metal wall and sank down onto the floor before crawling over to a corner. This seemed like a pretty safe spot to sit in during take off. Leaning against the wall, I began trying to catch my breath and relax. I'd need to be off this ship as soon as it docked and get to one of the civilian ships as soon as possible.

* * *

The next thing I knew, the ship jolted to a stop. I pushed my eyes open. I was sprawled on the cold floor, probably showing the world my panties. I sat up quickly and rubbed my face to rid it of any drool before I stood up, looking across the room at what had been my premier take off spot. So perhaps sitting in the corner for take off wasn't the best idea I've had recently. Smoothing the wrinkles in my dress I waited for the door of the ship to open up. The jolt obviously meant the ship was docking.

After a short wait, the doors did in fact open, and I was sprinting down stairs towards the main floor of the space station as fast as possible. The smaller space ships were never far from the docking station. I just needed to check one out and get out of here. Flashing my Earth Alliance ID card, I made my way to the ship and managed to get into one.

A masculine voice spoke to me as I sat in the chair glaring at the controls. "Your ship is launching now, Miss Mitchell."

No sooner had the words passed off his lips than the ship was rocketing forward out of space station. My ship went spiraling through space. I screamed loudly as the ship began spinning, my seat turning upside down in regular intervals. I forgot. I have no previous experiencepiloting a space ship.

* * *

I don't know how long I spun through space, but it must have been days. I was in pain from lack of food and the howls my stomach was letting out were sickening. The spinning had made me sick to my stomach on several occasions so several bags tied neatly housed not so attracted excrements from my body and the world had been getting hazy. Eventually, I passed out, but when I opened my eyes I was once again in lying in a bed, but this one was slightly different. The curtains around it was drawn and I could hear voices—two males and two females. I sat up and pulled the curtains back.

"Ah, you're awake. How are you feeling?" the woman who'd spoken had long pink hair, tied back in a ponytail. She wore a white coat on top of a purple and pink outfit. On her feet were white ankle boots. My stomach let out a loud howl. She smiled at me warmly. "We can take care of that. My name is Lacus. May I ask your name?" I told her and she nodded. "It's nice to make your acquaintance. This is Kira," she gestured at a boy beside her with unruly brown hair and purple eyes, "Athrun," the boy next to Kira, who sported blue hair that stopped just below his chin and green eyes, "and Cagalli." Cagalli was the other female besides Lacus, she had shoulder length blonde hair and amber colored eyes.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. May inquire about where I am?"

"This is the _Eternal_," Lacus replied. "You were found in a space ship that was spinning aimlessly through space. Kira and Athrun brought you back in and got you to the infirmary. You've been out for several days."

I sat up straight, a shiver running down my spine. I fell out of the bed and reached out for her arms. "_Dominion_. Are we anywhere near the _Dominion_?" I asked. The four of them exchanged surprised expressions. "Please tell me," I begged.

"What do you know of the _Dominion_?" Cagalli asked cautiously.

"Shani…" Tears began to trace themselves down over my cheeks. "Where is Shani?" I muttered, so only I could hear. The foursome appeared startled by my sudden show of emotion. "I'm looking for someone who is on the _Dominion_. At least I think he's on the _Dominion_. I don't know where he is. I lost track of him back on Earth. But please, tell me if the _Dominion _is anywhere nearby."

Kira stepped forward and placed his hands on my shoulders. He kneeled down so that we were on the same level. "Honestly," he began, "we don't know where they are. We can only suspect that they are nearby but we aren't sure. Who are you looking for?"

"Shani Andras! Is he on that ship?"

"We don't know," Athrun started but was cut off by my next outburst.

"You've fought him before! I know you have! Back in ORB. He pilots the FORBIDDEN but he's not a bad person! If Azrael hadn't ruined his life—" I was breaking into hysterics. I could tell that they now knew who I was talking about and were exchanging uneasy glances now that they knew I'd associated with the enemy, especially back during that attack. I couldn't say anymore as loud sobs overtook my body. Azrael. The man that if I had managed to kill wouldn't still be forcing Shani, Orga, and Kuroto into mobile suits, making them risk their lives for principles they didn't necessarily believe in. "Shani… Orga… Kuroto… I failed you guys."

"Failed them?" Athrun asked, frowning. Instead of answering him, though, I let out a loud wail as tears began cascading down my cheeks. It was all my fault that Shani, Orga, and Kuroto were up in space fighting with the _Eternal_. If I had killed that pig-headed blond haired man none of this would be happening. The pain in my heart wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be so thin from worry and lack of substance and nutrition. And I wouldn't be up in space, crying on the floor of a battle ship. When I voiced these thoughts to the foursome, Lacus kneeled down next to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

"You love him don't you? Shani Andras? You two had some sort of relationship back on Earth, didn't you?" I nodded. The relationship hadn't exactly been official until I'd gone into my two-week coma, but it had been there. And I had valued it, as had Shani. I hoped he had anyway.

"Don't worry," Lacus whispered to me. "I'm sure he's okay. And hopefully, when this war is over, you two can be together once again and live in peace." I nodded. I was praying with all my soul that this wish of good will would come true. Nothing would make me happier. Granted, I was only sixteen, and he was eighteen, but I would have a place I could go home too. A place I could actually call home, even if it wasn't a _physical_ place. Just being in his heart, his arms would be enough for me, even if we had to sit out in the rain. As mushy as that sounded in my head I knew it was true.

After Lacus calmed be back down, they fed me, and then I spent several hours getting to know them. We crossed from the _Eternal_ into the _Archangel_ where I met Murrue Ramius, the captain of the War Ship, Mwu La Fllaga, former ace pilot and known as the Prince of Endymion, or something like that, and several of Kira's natural friends from the technical college he'd attended back in Copernicus at the start of the year before the colony had been destroyed. In less than three days, they had made me feel like I'd been on the ship, struggling with them through all of their hardships since the very beginning.

The feeling was indescribable. I felt at home here, like I belonged here, except for one thing. I was missing Shani. If he could have been there, I had a feeling he would have become the person he probably could have become without Azrael's interference. He would loosen up and smile. One of the most beautiful smiles in the world, and then my home would be complete. But the reality of the situation, the fact that he _wasn't_ there weighed heavily on my heart. Lacus frequently tried to comfort me on the subject and provide advice about it, which was nice of her, but personally, it would have been better if she had just left the subject alone. It was almost as if she was constantly reminding me that my other half was gone, despite the fact I know it wasn't a feeling she was intentionally trying to bring to my attention. Nevertheless, we became good friends and I greatly enjoyed the time I spent with the others.

* * *

Several days after I had spilled my guts to Lacus, Cagalli, Athrun, and Kira, I was sitting down to eat lunch when the ship suddenly lurched to the side. Almost instantly an alarm went off. I recognized the alarm as well. A universal sound almost, signifying eminent danger—the ship was being attacked. Instantly everything was a flurry of action. Pilots rushed to their suits and I ran for the observation window.

I took in several gulps of air. The _Dominion_. Shani was on that ship. If I could just make it to him. Instantly I took off for the hangar. Perhaps they had a lifeboat I could borrow, or anything, but I couldn't find one and eventually I gave up and went back to the window, my fingers curling and pressing against the window as if I could push my way through the window and fly to his gundam.

I could see it now. The green turtle looking gundam that I had once done maintenance on. Shani. If only I could see him again, I'd be happy. That would be more than enough. My heart was beating a million times a minute, a pinkish hue floating across my cheeks. He was handsome. And his eyes. They were intriguing. The two colors could not be anymore different. She only wished he allowed her to look at them longer. The way he'd pushed away when she'd seen them, almost like he was embarrassed of them.

A bright flash of light drew me back out of my reverie. A large cloud of pink smoke had enveloped the area. A blue gundam flew from the smoke, sword in hand. The grin slid off my face as I watched where the sword slid and less than a second later, the gundam exploded. Tears began to slip down my cheeks as I stared at the large cloud of equally bright pink light and smoke. The blush was gone from my cheeks, my heart seemed to have gone from beating a million times a minute to stopping, and my breath had stopped.

"**IIIIYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Sorry Kara, I lied! . I had too. You don't know how much it pained me to write that. Please leave a review and don't hate me too much. ;-; Oh and for those of you who don't know, "iya" is Japanese for "no." I decided that sounded more dramatic than "**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" so, that's why I substituted one for the other.

ebacusta


	12. Her Closure

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Sorry it took me so long to update. I don't particularly have an excuse, but this is the final chapter. Rereading the story was kind of embarrassing for me, but I decided to finish it anyway. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed the story thus far. Please enjoy this chapter!

Forbidden Dreams

By ebacusta

Chapter 12:

**Her Closure**

I could see it now. The green turtle looking gundam that I had once done maintenance on. Shani. If only I could see him again, I'd be happy. That would be more than enough. My heart was beating a million times a minute, a pinkish hue floating across my cheeks. He was handsome. And his eyes. They were intriguing. The two colors could not be anymore different. I only wished he allowed me to look at them longer. The way he'd pushed away when I'd seen them, almost like he was embarrassed of them.

A bright flash of light drew me back out of my reverie. A large cloud of pink smoke had enveloped the area. A blue gundam flew from the smoke, sword in hand. The grin slid off my face as I watched where the sword slid and less than a second later, the gundam exploded. Tears began to slip down my cheeks as I stared at the large cloud of equally bright pink light and smoke. The blush was gone from my cheeks, my heart seemed to have gone from beating a million times a minute to stopping, and my breath had stopped.

"**IIIIYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**"

The whispers were everywhere I went. I knew what they were about, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I'd fallen apart since Shani's death. Many people didn't understand why. The war was over. I should be celebrating. We finally had peace!

So what? I would never be at peace again.

All I could do was replay the image of the blue gundam cutting Shani's in half, separating us for eternity. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, and, much to the chagrin of those around me, I'm sure, I stopped showering. I couldn't bring myself to care about anything, so instead of just going through the motions, I ceased functioning. If I could have, I would have stopped breathing too. The tears stung my eyes as they trickled down my face. What did it matter anyway? Shani was dead.

Dead.

And I was alone.

Or almost alone. The footsteps of a couple people were approaching the observation window where I sat. Perhaps they assumed I'd stopped listening as I'd stopped everything else, because they didn't really bother to whisper. They lowered their voices slightly but that was all.

"The ship's going to be docking soon. What's she going to do?"

"I heard Lacus offered her a place to stay if she didn't mind working with kids."

"Yeah, but she turned that down, didn't she?"

"Mmm, I think so."

"What's she gonna do then? Just wonder the streets?"

"Judging from her current devil-may-care attitude, probably."

"Will she be okay?"

_No_, I thought bitterly.

"I'm sure she will. She's got family on Earth, doesn't she? They'll take care of her."

The group moved on, switching from discussing my well-being to their plans once they were reunited with their loved ones. I stared out the window angrily as the ship continued to glide towards the base at which it was to dock. They could just walk away. Talk about the subject as long as it was pleasing, and then change the topic to something else as soon as they grew bored of it. A minor change in subject was all they had to do to escape the pain or discomfort.

Pain and discomfort was my life. Lacus often tried to convince me to eat, but she usually failed as I couldn't be bothered to rouse myself to action even in the face of logic and reason. The pangs of hunger had grown dull long ago, but at times, though I didn't want it to, my body gave way to sleep. Usually by way of passing out wherever I might be. Say, for example, the floor. And there is where I lay until I can be roused from my slumber. Sometimes, if I happened to fall asleep in a high-traffic area of the ship, I would wake up in my room, tucked into bed. Other times, I would wake up where I fell, cricks in my neck or my arm from sleeping in an awkward position, my body often shivering from the cold.

The view outside my window darkened as the ship glided into the hangar, finally coming to a complete stop with a small jolt. I could practically hear the cheer at finally being "home." Or at least back safe and sound. More people started walking by, excited by the prospect of being off the ship. Whether they spared me more than a passing glance, I don't know. I didn't particularly care.

_I should probably get off the ship_, I thought, but despite my attempts, I couldn't muster the strength to move. So I stayed there, listening to the echoes of animated chatter and laughter. It didn't seem possible, but somehow this world managed to seem lonelier than before.

"There you are," a voice I recognized as Kira's said behind me. "Lacus, she's in here!" Qiuck footsteps joined the footsteps steadily approaching me. "Hey, aren't you ready to get off the ship? Aren't you excited?"

Tears filled my eyes. I wanted to get off this ship. To get away from the memory of watching the unthinkable happen. I wanted to reply, but it seemed a trembling lip was the only response Kira would receive.

"It'll be okay," Lacus said, hugging me. "I know I've said this before, but you're welcome to come with Kira and I until you're ready to… strike out again."

To move on, you mean, I almost said, but I refrained. Instead I held out a hand, which Kira took and pulled be carefully to my feet. Scrubbing at my eyes, I took a shaky step forward and nearly fell when my leg gave way beneath me.

"Whoa!" Kira exclaimed, catching me. "Be careful."

"Sorry," I mumbled, running a hand through my hair.

"Why don't we go get you a shower? Perhaps that will help you relax some. The crew has to finish some procedures before the door opens anyway," Lacus offered with a smile. I shrugged and allowed the pink hair teenager to lead me towards her room.

Half an hour later, Kira, Lacus, Athrun, Cagalli, and I stood in front of the military base, preparing to head our separate ways. "Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Kira was saying, while Lacus fret quietly beside him. Beside her, a car was idling, waiting to whisk the four of them away. Kira reached out and rested his hand lightly on my shoulder.

I shook my head and inwardly groaned when a feeling of light-headedness swooshed into my brain. "I'm fine," I said, holding my head a minute and trying to keep myself from swaying. "Thank you though."

"Are you okay?" Athrun pressed, reaching out as well, as if to steady me. "Can we at least give you a ride to somewhere?"

I shook my head again, giving him a small smile. "I'm okay, and I don't need a ride anywhere. I've got nowhere to go. But thanks anyway."

"Then, maybe you shou—" Lacus began, clearly worried, but I held up my hand to silence her.

"Really. I think I need to just…get away. Or something."

"Well, at least take this," the former captain of the _Eternal_ said, extending her hand. She held a folded piece of paper, which she pressed into my hand when I reached out to accept it. "Contact information. Don't hesitate to stop by or call if you need anything. Please."

I nodded. "Yes, of course. Thank you so much." I turned and headed down the street.

"Please eat something soon!" Lacus called after me. I raised my hand to show that I'd heard her, but didn't stop walking. "And find someplace safe to sleep," she added. I waved my hand again.

"Will she be okay, Kira?" I heard her ask, anxiously. Though I didn't bother to turn around, I could just picture her clutching at his arm, a worried expression etched across her face.

"I'm sure she'll make it. She's a stubborn one, she is," Kira replied. I barely heard him though. I was almost too far away. I continued, pausing at the end of the street to wave back at the four of them, if only to ease their worries, and then headed around the corner. I'm not sure how long I walked. As I told Athrun, I didn't have anywhere to go, so I wasn't headed anywhere in particular. I strolled mostly through streets, but began to grow exceptionally tired and unusually dizzy and light-headed, so I headed into a park, in search of perhaps a good patch of grass on which I could rest. Of course, exhaustion got the better of me before I found it. Swaying turned staggering and staggering to lurching until finally I simply collapsed.

I fully expected to hit the grass and just lay there until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, but instead, I was caught by a pair of strong arms. But who? I thought I'd been alone in this park, but perhaps I'd been so focused on putting one foot in front of the other that I hadn't noticed other people around me. Though the edges of my vision were dimming, curiosity prompted me to glance at my savior, at least for reasons of posterity. Even if he chopped me up and stuffed me in his freezer, at least I'd have a mental image of who the guy was, and for some reason, that comforted me. His hair was light—the exact color I couldn't tell because of the sun—but it had a definite wave to it. His bangs hung loosely in front of his left eye, leaving only his right eye exposed. Its dark color stood in stark contrast to his light hair.. My heart began to pound.

"Hey, you okay?"

Could it be…or was this just another hunger-induced hallucination? But he felt so real. There was no doubt that someone was holding me, and no doubt that that person—a man—had just spoken. I lifted my head, grabbing at his shirt as I attempted to smile up at him. A warmth spread through my body as my hand fell away, a close-lipped smile crossing my lips. I wanted to nod in answer to his question, but instead all I managed was a feeble brush against his chest as my hand landed briefly on my stomach and then fell away so that it dangled limply towards the ground.

"Shani?" I whispered drawing one shaky, shallow breath, before the world faded to nothingness.

**THE END**

It took me an unnecessarily long time to finish this. Sorry. I forgot about it. And also, sorry for all the spelling mistakes/clichés/bad writing you've put up with through this story. I appreciate it. This is the end. I hope you enjoyed reading. I certainly enjoyed writing! Interpret the ending as you will. I'm kind of curious to hear the responses, so please drop a review. Thanks so much for reading!

Peace and love,

ebacusta


End file.
